Abraham Lincoln once said “The only thing you need is the truth to yourself, that’s all the honesty you’ll ever need.” I had a dream one night, a long time ago and in my dream I was in the 18th century visiting President Lincoln in the White House. I walked in and the maid told me to wait for the President in the white garden. He came outside and greeted me with a “Hello Francis”. He shook my hand and started talking to me. I can’t exactly remember all the things he said. But the last thing he said to me right before I woke up was “The only thing you need is the truth to yourself, that’s the only honesty you’ll ever need.” I woke up and right away I wrote it down in my journal. So just to be clear, Abraham Lincoln didn’t actually say that, but in my dream he said it to me. Take from it what you will. I took his words to heart and reminded myself that only if I am true and honest to myself, I can be true and honest to other people. I other words, being an honest person begins with being true to yourself.www.paykassa.com

So let me start by telling you some honest things i’ve learned over the last few months. I learned that saying “I love you” is such a cliche. People throw it around like a fucking frisbee. But do you actually know what it takes to love someone? Had I ever known? Do I know now? Do you? I learned that fame is not as glamorous as the whole world makes it out to be. So any of you out there who have dreams of being famous I can tell you right now that you need to get a grip of whats really important in life. I’m not gonna talk about my problems with my newly found fame. Instead i’d like to thank all the people out there who watch me, read me, know me, and love me. I am in deep gratitude of your love. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder “Why me?”. The things people say, write, send, comment, have humbled me beyond words. I wonder how I can touch someone I have never met so deeply.

Every day I learn something new. But something I am waiting to learn is; what drives me? What actually motivates me? I thought about it and it’s not money. Nor is it fame. It’s something deeper. I don’t know what it is yet but when I succeed I will tell you. Maybe it’s “Success”. Everyone has their own form and definition of success. Right now mine is probably “peace of mind”. Something I haven’t had in a while.

Truth is I just want this show to end. I am sick and tired of living my relationship on camera. I wanna leave and continue my normal life. Because I did not sign up for this. I’m an Actor. A writer.

I may be too tired to fight but i’m more scared to run. I’m yearning for the day I sit on that airplane and watch it take off far far away from here. This is a defining moment in my life. Times are hard. I’m worn out and tired. Do I roll over, give up, run away? Or do I push harder? This is what separates success from failure. This is where the strong separate themselves from the weak. This is where a man must take control of his own destiny. I must do what I have to do and finish what I started. Whatever the outcome, it doesn’t matter. For I have already won.